“هل جلبته لنفسي؟” الإلتباس في الاغتصاب

نعم لقد إغتُصِبت. بالنسبة لي، الجزء الأصعب ليس الأذى من الاعتداء الجنسي عليّ، بل هو الإلتباس حوله، وخصوصاً أنّ المُغتَصِب كان شخصاً أعرفه وأهتم له. سألت نفسي تكراراً: هل كان أمراً محتوماً جلبته لنفسي؟ هل كنت استحق هذا؟ هل شجّعته أنا بشكل ما؟ هل كان علي أن أتمتع بالفعل عوضاً عن الإحساس بهذا القدر من الألم؟

لقد شكّكت اذا كان هذا الفعل يُعتَبر إغتصاب، أو ربما كان من فبركة خيالي؟ وتجاهل آخرون مشاعري وتجربتي واستخفوا بهما لأن الذي إغتصبني كاد يكون حبيبي، وهو شخص كان لدي مشاعر تجاهه لكنّه لم يكن يبادلها. لفترة طويلة صدّقت ما قاله لي الناس في دائرة معارفي الأقرب إليّ. وطال الأمر حتى كبِرَت النسوية الغاضبة داخلي واعترفت بصرخة عالية: نعم، لقد أغتُصِبت. لقد إنتُهِكت، وأنا لست موافقة على ما حصل.”

لقد تعِبت من العيش في مجتمع أبوي كاره للنساء، حيث يتمّ الإستخفاف والسخرية من تجارب النساء فقط لأن شخصاً آخر قد مرّ بتجارب أفظع. نعم لقد كان المُغتصِب يكاد يصبح حبيبي، هل هذا يجعله أقلّ إغتصاباً؟ هل يجعلني منتهكة أقلّ؟ لقد مرّت سنتين ولا يأتي يوماً لا أشعر به بالذنب ولا أفكِّر “هلكان خطأي؟” وأنسى بأن في تلك اللحظة لم أكن موافقة على الفعل وقد قلت “لا” و”توقّف” مراراً.

ان تتعرضي للإغتصاب هو أساساً قاس للتعايش معه. فلما عليّ أن أعيش أيضاً مع الإلتباس؟ لما على الناس الذين لم يتعرضوا أبداً للإغتصاب أن يصحّحوا قصّتي ويقولون لي بأنني لم أُغتَصب؟ من أعطاهم السلطة ليقولوا لي بما قد مرىّت به أو شعرت به؟ هل هو إغتصاب فقط عندما يقوم به شخص غريب في الطريق؟ هل كانوا سيشعروا بال”شفقة” معي حينها؟ أو هل كانوا سيجدون تبريراً آخر ليقلّلوا من تجربتي ويدفعوني في دوامة أخرى من الإلتباس؟

هل كان أمراً محتوماً جلبته لنفسي؟ أستطيع بكل جزم أن أقول بأنني لم أفعل هذا، بغض النظر إذا ما كنت مهتمة بالمغتصب أو واقعة في حبّه قبل الإغتصاب. أستطيع أن أقول بأن لا أحد تجلب هذه التجربة لنفسها. ولا أحد يستحق أن يُغتَصب.

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